i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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