she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
