First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
