Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
