I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
