textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
