textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
