I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
