Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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