halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
