The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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