Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
