Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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