I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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