I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
