i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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