1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
