as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
