I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
