She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
