I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There's always time for handjobs
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i now understand why vodka
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
