Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
