I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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