Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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