i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
