I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
