Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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