I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
