I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
