I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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