I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
