Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
