Swine flu. Run for my life!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Also, beer. Big fan.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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