Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
