Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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