WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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