Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
