DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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