I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
