If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
