where am i from again
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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