I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We don't watch enough power rangers
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
