I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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