How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
