I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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