i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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