Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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