What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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