i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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