Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
