so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
