And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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