how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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