I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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